Last night all the things I moved through gracefully last week, my c-section, giving birth, my baby being care flighted, venturing out of the hospital less than 12 hours after surgery, came crashing down on me in a tidal wave of tears.
I felt the wave coming on all day. I pushed them back. By the time nightfall arrived, I was getting ready to crawl into bed with my new baby + The Mister, then they came pouring down on me. I couldn’t stop.
When the flood came I was afraid. Is this what postpartum depression feels like? Why am I so sad? What do I have to be upset about?
Then, a thought came to me…
The nights are lonely. It felt so true.
The Little Mister wakes up a couple times in the middle of the night for a feeding. The house is quiet, silent, still + The Mister is sleeping soundly. (He insists that I wake him up if I need anything, but he works all day. So I don’t. He needs his rest.)
The nights are lonely + doing this by myself, taking care of the wee one alone is terrifying. Even though it’s only for a few hours.
Shout out to all of the single moms out there, or moms with shitty partners that don’t help them. I don’t know how you do it – truly. What courage you have.
After I settled into + moved past the truth that the nights are lonely, I still felt sad. And then it occurred the me that it had been a week since my birthing experience took place + I had yet to process any of it emotionally.
I asked my Guides for love + support. To hold me during this very human experience. And then I let go. I trusted. And in the morning, I woke up renewed.
Some Things I’m Grateful For…
- This post on Surrender from The Daily Love
- Chocolate Chip Cookies
- Having friends that are hairdressers
- The sly smiles Sawyer gives us
- Moving slowly
- The 9 hours of sleep I got last night