I’m here spinning on the 29th of December. Swirling between and around all the callings and longings and desires that have my name on the tip of their tongue. I know when I’m feeling this way, it’s not a time to take action at all. To not make any permanent decisions.
SPINNING IN MY MIND
I haven’t been enjoying sharing myself as of late. When the conversations are over I’m kicking myself afterward. Perhaps it’s just judgment that I’m letting get a hold of me, but it’s like every conversation I have, I’m speaking about this seemingly ‘new’, but incomplete idea or concept or thought – that has bestowed itself upon me. I feel like I’m the one who is the dreamer. The one who constantly has cravings and callings but never actually sees anything through. I’m tired of wearing that hat.
I know there is evidence to the contrary. But it’s not enough. It doesn’t add up to what I’m seeking out.
I’ve been openly and willingly forthcoming with information my whole life. It’s always just poured out of me. Lately, I’ve been wanting to put a cap on it. To share less. To process more, before opening my mouth. It might feel better to experience my thoughts and life quietly before broadcasting every nook and cranny of my processes out into the world.
To keep something to and for myself.
SPINNING INTO 2018
I read this article that summed up what my 2016, 2017, and soon to be 2018 will entail. Several of my friends read this as well and everyone truly felt like it 100% resonated with their experience.
Here’s what it said for Virgo:
“2016: You were supposed to cut loose ends. This was the year that you had to come face to face with what wasn’t working in your life – lest it be forcefully removed from you first.
2017: You were supposed to pursue a new dream. This was the year that you embarked on a new, long-awaited adventure, whether it was a new relationship, the next level of your career, or perhaps even travel. This was the year in which you were supposed to take risks, and see firsthand what works and what doesn’t for your life.
2018: You are supposed to make some firm decisions. After the past two years of an intense tug of war between what you think should be working and what you know isn’t, this is the year to ride or die. You will either start to soar and thrive like you never have before, or come to terms with having tried something new, even if it wasn’t supposed to be forever.” [read the full article here]
SPINNING IN CYCLES
The “firm decisions” she mentions, I am looking forward to. I already feel like I’ve made some hard passes and I look forward to bringing even more clarity and focus into my day to day life. It says “this is the year to ride or die” – this is the year when the truth comes out. I do wonder, is it the year I call it on my healing/coaching/metaphysical career? Is it time to move on to something… else? 2019 will make 10 years I’ve been involved in this work and none of it has been easy. I mean sure, I can stand up in front of any group of people or individual and leave them feeling better. I can speak and lead meditations and teach classes, and all of that is super natural and easy to me.
But supporting myself by doing it? All struggle. All the way.
SPINNING INTO THE NEW
I can’t help, but wonder if there is something else that would come more naturally. Or is it all going to feel so uphill, no matter what I do? What if being a musician is more in alignment? A blogger? A small farmer? What if I don’t want to be as social? What if I want to spend more time by myself? What if I want to create more with my hands in the physical world, than I do in the online? What if I don’t want to be on Facebook?
What if I walk away from all that I’ve been defining myself by?
This is me, when I’m spinning. This is when I don’t make any big decisions. This is when I’m exploring all the places and callings and longings and stirrings.. the what ifs.. of my heart. This is when I feel like I’m not quite sure who am I or who I’m becoming. This is when it feels like everything is changing and everything is different.