The Fear of Death, Dying + Loss

Around the beginning of my third trimester, I began having deep, heart-clenching fears that my husband was going to die.

Just typing that makes my fear bubble up.

There was no one moment that occurred to make me feel this. I saw no omens, I wasn’t read any bad fortunes. It was just a feeling that never seemed to go away.

The fact that The Mister travels for work and is away from me for 3-4 days out of each week hasn’t really helped either.

Before now, I’ve never really had a fear of dying.

I’ve always trusted that my time will come when it comes. And then I will cycle back into another form of energy and be at peace.

But now. Now, I have a baby on the way. A human being that I am responsible for. And this man, this amazing man that fulfills me in more ways than I knew existed…

The thought of losing them just breaks me.

Sometime last week I was on Facebook and the beautiful Hannah Marcotti posted

“I have a free copy of this i know.. by Susannah Connaway for the first person that comments!”

I commented.

Without thinking.

Without knowing.

Without a moment to even really want it.

I just impulsively commented.

Almost as if I had no choice.

I certainly didn’t need another book to read. I knew nothing about Susannah or her book other than randomly seeing her lovely face floating around the interweb from time to time.

On Tuesday, I went to Austin with my Mom for a short trip.

On Wednesday, I came home and sitting in an Amazon package on my end table, it had arrived.

this I know: notes on unravelling the heart

by Susannah Conaway

I sat down and began reading, without even taking the time to unpack my bag or let the dog out.

Within the first few pages of the introduction, Susannah mentions losing her beloved to a heart attack in 2005. My eyes began to swell with tears and I knew in that moment this book was meant to find me.

I needed to hear her story. I needed to face this fear of death and make peace with it before it began to consume all of the moments I was alone with myself, and eventually other people. It felt that big.

Today I am a little ways through the first chapter. I like to read in small bites. And I already feel a closer to letting go of my fear.

The shift I have noticed the most is the joy I have found in those small moments of everyday. When I choose to stop and give thanks for my life and the people in it, right then.

Susannah, if you are reading this, thank you. Thank you for writing your book and having the courage to heal and share your story with all of us. Thank you for giving me permission to live my life NOW.

Like a breath of fresh air,

PS. And a GREAT BIG thank you to Hannah Marcotti for sending me a copy of Susannah’s book. Heaven sent.